Minimize Talking! It's a Polar Vortex!

It doth dive, it doth plungeth, the vortex of the Poles!

Wind chills are below zero. Frostbite is at hand. Cars may not start. I get an instant headache when I'm outside, the cold squeezing my blood vessels like a vice. Meterologists explain it thusly:

"The planetary-scale cyclonic circulation, centered generally in the polar regions, extending from the middle troposphere to the stratosphere"

In other words, bitch-ass cold! Weather reporters have been calling out the warnings for days:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"This is a large area of cold air high up in the atmosphere that normally lives over the poles (as its name suggests). The polar vortex usually stays where it belongs but can make unwelcome visits to the U.S"

"It's a pool of subfreezing air that normally swirls over the Arctic Circle

                      DIVES into the Midwest this week pushing temperatures OFF
                                                                                                                      A
                                                                                                                     CLIFF"


 **Extreme** arctic cold will PLUNGE into the Midwest this week"

"the polar vortex gets displaced from the Arctic Circle

            and DIVES

                          into the Midwest"

I protest this Arctic invasion! I have made an intentional choice NOT to live at the North Pole, missing out on things like seeing reindeer, the Northern Lights, eating blubber. But I've made peace with that, in exchange for inhabiting a temperate zone.  But the polar vortex has no boundaries. Weathermen tell us:

"It will bring "the coldest weather in years"

"Millions of people and animals throughout the midwest are at risk for hypothermia and frostbite to occur in minutes"


"I cannot stress how dangerously cold it will be"

"Dangerously cold wind chills could lead to frostbite on exposed skin in a matter of MINUTES"

"The wind chill temperature is more than a catchy forecast term. The wind blows away the insulating layer of warm air around us generated naturally by our bodies"

" If outside, avoid taking deep breaths and  minimize talking"

"hours of subzero temperatures so that "we're going to hear buildings and outdoor objects creaking"

"a BRUTAL MASS of COLD AIR within strong bands of circulating winds...

"This is the coldest air many of us will have ever experienced."

"Biting winds usher in Arctic blast" 

"The worst is yet to come"

"Locations in the Midwest will be below zero continuously for 48-72 hours"

"Thanks to a meandering jet stream --parts of the vortex can slosh down into North America....."

Pictured here: parts of the vortex sloshing

airstayspartcold-airextendingAmericatalkingbandsmiddlebuildingsregionsplanetary-scaleblowshearsloshCircleskinnearusherlayerfrostbiteobjectsstressoccurcentralmakeMidwestpositionyearsmeanderingwithinmanynormallyusuallyyetUSAhoursdangerousbelongspolarU.SweekNorthmorematterhelpinginsulatingzeroeasterninvadeatmosphereleadtemperatureDIVESlocationshighbitingavoidanimalssuggestsnormaldisplacedbreathscoldestcenterednamePLUNGEsubzeroExtremebodiesspreadcatchygoingsouthwardexposedtemperaturesoutsidecirculationpushingcreakingtermsubfreezingvortexstratospherebringinggeneratedareadangerouslywindpeopleArcticfunneleverexperiencedblastcold

Hypothermia Kit

Thinking of venturing out into the cold?

Don't leave home without our Hypothermia Kit  --  Releases the life-saving message  "I've frozen and I can't get up!"  Speaks for you when your tongue is iced shut. Endless looped recording gives passersby several appeals --one is sure to make them stop.

How does it work? Patented smart technology uses bio-sensors to detect your vital signs ---device activates with the slowing of your heart beat.


It was good enough for your ancestors, it's good enough for you--

Brick in your pocket

Just heat over an open fire and you're ready to face the elements. Take it from Clovis Yarvis, an ancestor!

"When I was a boy we had to walk 20 miles to school. Thought nuthin of it. On cold days ma put a  brick in our pocket. Slowed us down some, but none of us froze to death."



And for commuters on chilly mornings ---Car Squirrel!

Now you're probably saying --car squirrel? My car is no place for a squirrel! And you'd be right! But behavioral scientists everywhere agree --a squirrel running around the inside of your car is a great distraction from the cold! Now keep your pants on, he's not real. The little bugger is just a convincing animatronic replica , programmed to keep you guessing with his squirrel-like cunning, so you never know where he's going to pop out next. Your bodily contortions triggered by natural squirrel aversion will get the cortisol flowing and you'll warm up in no time.

Actual size and battery life of squirrels may vary. 

But sometimes you don't want to go out. Am I right? You just want to stay in...

...but the family has some fool notion about ice skating or some such.

Time for you to pull the dead car battery routine, using our Dead Car Battery Simulator.  Sounds deceitful, and it is! But you're cold! So pretend to turn on the ignition but instead really turn on the sound effects of a car battery failing to turn over, the hallmark feature of the Dead Car Battery Simulator. Patent pending.   


All these products and more are manufactured exclusively for you by the Friendly Persuasion Good Product Company, to help sustain you during the bitter months ahead. "Let's Just Get Through This, Shall We?" Sold for a limited time only, these items are not available in any store!  

This has been a word from our sponsors. And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming....

A New Year ---Choose Your Adventure

 This planning questionnaire will help you set goals and make 2019 the year of your dreams!

For each item, choose one:


This year I will change:

my address
my hair color
the furnace filter
horses in midstream



This year I will go:

to great lengths
great guns
to church
crazy



This year I will release:

tension
all judgement
my pets into the wild
my inner demons



This year I will walk:

30 minutes every day
the line
the walk
like an Egyptian



This year I will keep:

on top of things
my wits about me
my powder dry
on truckin'



This year I will write:

letters
a novel
off my vacation
checks that won't bounce



This year I will drive:

old people to doctor's appointments
the speed limit
a hard bargain
to drink



This year I will scrub:

the tub
the dog
my computer of incriminating files
my elbows



This year I will remember:

my loved ones
my password
that kind of September
the Alamo



This year I will fight:

the battle of the bulge
the power
sleep
with both fists



This year I will try:

 to exercise
 a new food
 a little kindness
 men's souls



 This year I will climb:

a tree
the career ladder
every mountain
the watertower at midnight



This year I will call:

my mom more often
'em like I see 'em
in a favor
the wind Maria

This year I will break:

with tradition
my piggybank
the curse of my forebears
wind



This year I will throw:

 away old junk
 in with a cool crowd
 my voice at parties
 my back out


This year I will skip:

my midnight snack
classes
to my Lou
the arraignment



This year I will give

money to charity
unsolicited advice
myself a party
myself up to the authorities



This year I will put:

first things first
up or shut up
a little love in my heart
on the Ritz


This year I will turn:

over a new leaf
up the volume
lemons into lemonade
state's evidence


This year I will stir:

fry vegetables
a cocktail
before dawn
the turd

This year I will polish:

  the furniture
 the silver
 off that bottle of rye



This year I will start:

a diet
a diary
a riot
what I can't finish

What I Googled while the power was out

Mr. Heater

A powerful snow storm rolled in last weekend and knocked the power out. I sat in the cold cold house, no warmth except the dim Google light of my phone.

As a pernicious chill set in, desperation drove my phone activity. Here is a summary of what I searched, and what I found:

I Googled:  *battery powered space heater*

I found: A website called "commonsensehome.com" that said:

"There are thousands of online searches each month for "battery operated heaters" and "battery powered heaters".  Small individual battery powered heaters for jackets, blankets, gloves, boots and 500BTU 12v car battery heaters do exist. The bad news: A large portable battery powered space heater does not exist.  :-(


I attempted to Google:  the physics of heat transfer, to answer the question --"On the next Starbucks run should I get one big Venti cup to go or two talls? Which would stay hotter longer?"

In my search I used convoluted combinations of words like:

*big cup coffee lose heat faster small cup*

 *heat loss big cup coffee*

 AND

*heat loss big cup vs small cup*.


I found: A batshit crazy article claiming that adding cream to coffee makes it cool off more slowly, because dark liquids emit more heat. I know for a FACT this is B.S. Just watch how many times I ask the waitress at a diner to warm up my coffee, into which I have emptied many little creamers.

Oh, and the consensus is that larger volumes of liquid lose heat more slowly. But heat evaporates more rapidly through wider mouths, and the bigger the cup the wider the mouth, so....either way, I was going to be drinking cold coffee.



I Googled: the Outages Map on the KCPL website.  Repeatedly.

I found:  The number of outages was going up, not down. Tripling from 30,000 souls affected to 90,0000. Then from 90,000 to 103,000.  Then from 103,00 to 118,000. Welp. Better keep looking for an alternative heat source that doesn't use electricity. 


 I Googled:   alternative heat without electricity

I found "Mr. Heater--Indoor Propane Heater."

"Mr. Heater is approved for indoor/outdoor use. Clean-burning. Nearly 100% efficient." 

(Sounds great! Bring on the propane! This is perfectly safe, right? Wait, what do the reviews say ?)


Reviews on Amazon for Mr. Heater :

Be forewarned! Carbon Monoxide
....it started to set off my CO alarm EVERY time between 20 and 50 minutes. Carbon Monoxide!! Yes, I did have a window open for air. 


On numerous occasions, the control knob became stuck on so that I could not turn it off. 
This is extremely dangerous....having the control knob stuck in the "on" position until the tank runs out is unacceptable.

Defective Product Not Safe
I went to turn it off and the big red dial switch would not turn. It was on high and it would not turn down to low or off. I had to blow out the flame to extinguish it. I think the switch is dangerously defective.


Lit my daughter's sleeping bag on fire
This heater literally lit my daughters sleeping bag on fire when we used it the first time. It says safe indoor heater but I would never buy it again. 

Don't bother with this POS.
It only lasted a couple of months. I have more joy killing it with a bat then trying to go trough their useless warranty.


Caught fire!!
Went to turn it off and flames started coming out of unit where the propane connects. Had to use a fire extinguisher to put out the fire. Melted the whole side of unit!


Worked great, until it caught on fire
A week ago something inside ruptured and it burst into flames. I would never use one of these again after this. 

Extremely Dangerous
I almost died using this indoors. I passed out due to the unit consuming all the oxygen in the room. I woke up on the floor injured from the fall but fortunately alive because there was still oxygen at floor level. This is a very low-quality product that doesn't work well at all! It is a deadly dangerous device. Do not use indoors!

Burst into flame
Was happy with it until today, when it burst into flame. If I hadn't had a fire extinguisher handy, we would have lost our garage.


This thing just blew up!
 It worked untill it caught fire today. (11-11-2017) I would never suggest anyone purchase this item as it could have caused much more damage and possibly death.
STAY AWAY FROM THIS...DANGER...STAY AWAY. DANGER...WILL CAUSE PROPERTY DAMAGE...COULD CAUSE DEATH!!!



(Okie dokie. That was it for Mr. Heater. After reading that, I turned off my phone to conserve battery and went back to sticking my hands into the candle wax.)
  

Snow's A'Comin'

Gas up the car. Run to the store. Stock up on vittles. Buy wine. Buy brandy. Lay in supplies. Gather kindling. Cord some wood. Pull a muscle. Curse and yell. Throw the ax at a squirrel. Hurry inside. Clean off your boots. Bring in the dog. Batten down the hatches. Lock 'er up tight. Squirrel family's outside. Crank up the furnace. Fire up the stove. Put on a sweater. Put on another. Nuke some soup. Make hot some chocolate. Whip some cream. Pop some corn. Fetch blankets from the attic. Shake them out, in case of spiders. In case of brown recluse spiders. Which you do not want to fool with. Unplug the computer. Unplug all devices. Secure with duct tape. Check the batteries. Dig out the candles. Secure with duct tape. Check for weather updates.

Ah, too late. It's HERE.

Saturday Update:

No power. No heat. No hot shower. No hot coffee. No hope.

Just more snow on the way......


Future blog posts to come:

Burning furniture, The warmth of alcohol, Tea lights!---a new way to cook, Tea lights--a useless source of clutter, Dog fur is meant to be shared, Where are all the candles, why do I have so many tea lights?, Refrigerator roulette (this is still okay to eat, right?), Oops, should have bought more matches, Oops, shouldn't have eaten that salmon, When darkness falls.

Late Night Stand-Off With a Spider

Well I had to kill it. There was no way I could go to bed and leave THIS THING intact and in robust health to wander freely and horridly about the house, crawling its inevitable way from the livingroom down the hallway to the bedroom, up the bedspread and to my neck. I already have two white spots on my neck where the venom from a previous spider bite wiped out my skin's pigmentation. 

But that spider had been a quarter of the size of this spider. Imagine what a bite from this sucker feels like. No, don't.

I had convinced myself  this was a wolf spider, when it first crawled out to greet me while I was working on the computer, and that was the more rosy-colored view. The alternative view that I could not entertain until long after his spindly legs had been obliterated, never to unfold again....was that he was a brown recluse.

Spider identification is nasty business. It requires looking at numerous images of spiders to see how "my" spider compares to the most objectionable ones. Which puts me in the crazy position of hoping it's a wolf spider. Instead of a brown recluse.

I'm forced to contemplate his horrible legs...imagine, wishing a spider's legs were hairier...and that repulsive little body....of course it takes on a violin-shape, once the suggestion has been planted.

But my post-mortem of the spider is a flawed affair beset by cringing and retching. Spider-identifiers of the world, what do you see?

Even though he was dead, one spider raises the unsettling promise of more to come. Where did he drag his wretched little body from? Was there a nest? The skin positively crawls.

Killing him hadn't been easy. He was heinously visible, but hard to get to. It's like he knew I needed a clear shot and a space wide enough to let me WHAPP! that shoe against his body. I finally had to move the computer table to get to him.

After I pulled out the computer table, is when I saw it, and my heart sank even further. Oh no. Crap, I thought. I really need to dust.

Chakra meditation with the Queen of England

Meditation Leader:   To prepare ourselves, your Highness, we shall take a deep breath.......that's good......excellent.....now we are ready to begin. Let us commence by going to to our happy place......

Queen:    Oh how lovely. I'd been hoping to get back to my beloved Balmoral ......

Meditation Leader:   Very good, your Highness....let us go there forthwith.......

Queen:      Huzzah!  I'll be glad to get out of this dreary mausoleum. 

Queen's Footman:  If you please, your Highness, we are not actually leaving the castle. It's a figure of speech. You are to go to your happy place in your mind.

Queen:   Oh dear, that won't do. I shan't have all the horses shatting about up there.

Queen's Footman:    I'll see to it that doesn't happen, Your Highness.

Meditation Leader:    Just try and visualize it, your Highness. Create a picture in your mind. Very well then. Let's breathe together....we will start by focusing on the root chakra.  The root chakra is associated with our connection to the earth...to the ground, the soil beneath our feet......

Queen:  My good man, I must say that sounds quite untoward and not in keeping with protocol. I shall leave the root chakra to the gardener.

Meditation Leader:    Of course,  your Highness. In that case we will move up to the next chakra, the 6th chakra, what is also known as the orange chakra....

Queen's Footman:  The queen doesn't care for orange, as it doesn't flatter.

Meditation Leader:   Very well. We will dispense with the orange chakra. On to the yellow chakra, associated with the solar plexus....

Queen's Footman:   Ahem. Good sir, there shall be no mention of the royal solar plexus! Move on to another chakra at once.

Meditation Leader::  Very well. We will dispense with the 5th chakra. We now move on to the 4th chakra, associated with...

Queen:  I say, this seems as slow as taking a commoner's elevator. Let's get on with it, shall we? I don't have all day for all these ignoble chakras. I should like to go straight to the crown chakra.

Meditation Leader:  As you wish, your Highness.

Queen:  Oh, we are enlightened, aren't we? I'm so glad I took up meditation! 

My soul in the dead of winter

  A photographic representation 

What new year?

Oh, yeah, it's January 1st, the fresh start of a new annum. Time to make resolutions and try to be a better person and all that. For those following the Gregorian calendar.

Me, I've chosen a different time path. I've decided to observe the pataphysical calendar, as proposed by French writer Alfred Jarry. Pataphysics, as defined by Jarry, the founder, is "the science of imaginary solutions."  It is the philosophy that "the virtual or imaginary nature of things as glimpsed by the heightened vision of poetry or science or love can be seized and lived as real."

Well, given that, I'd say Jarry, pictured here, seems as good an arbiter of time as anyone.

We pataphysicists had our new year back in your September, starting with the month of "Absolu". As you can see, we are now in the month of  "Décervelage "or Debraining.  (Hmmmm..........)

Pataphysical year

Month	Starts	Ends	Translation
Absolu	8 September	5 October	Absolute
Haha	6 October	2 November	Ha Ha
As	3 November	30 November	Skiff
Sable	1 December	28 December	Sand or heraldic black
Décervelage	29 December	25 January	Debraining
Gueules	26 January	22/23 February	Heraldic red or gob
Pédale	23/24 February	22 March	Bicycle pedal
Clinamen	23 March	19 April	Swerve
Palotin	20 April	17 May	Ubu's henchmen
Merdre	18 May	14 June	Pshit
Gidouille	15 June	13 July	Spiral
Tatane	14 July	10 August	Shoe or being worn out
Phalle	11 August	7 September	Phallus