Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Snow Precautions, Tips, Products and Even More Tips for Winter

Winter has come around again and the key to survival is to be prepared. Don't fall under the spell of dangerous seasonal fantasies. Follow all the weatherman's rules and heed these precautions:  

! Snow Precautions and Little-Known Facts !

Eat more. You never know when you might get caught in a drift, and have to live off your own body fat.

 Snow attracts wild animals. Leave scraps of fresh meat in the middle of the street to keep the roving packs from your door.

 No sleeping outside. Snow looks so nice and soft, but it's a silent killer. Resist all urges to cleave to its frosty bosom.

 Snow on the ground makes the air colder. Hypothermia can strike without warning, therefore, be a moving target. Run, don't walk, to and from your car. If a neighbor shouts hello and tries to engage you, toss them a hasty wave and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

 Avoid shoveling, constructing forts, and building snow beings. You might tire and be overcome with a powerful urge to lie down in the snow. See point no. 4.

 Dress to be seen. If you must be outside, wear fluorescent colors at all times.

 Be sensible. When discussing the weather with others, stay within cultural norms. Kate Bush notwithstanding, "shnamistoflopp'n" , "creaky-creaky" and "phlegm de neige" are not words for snow. *

If you get caught outside in severe weather, remember that squirrels are your allies and a valuable resource. Especially when cooked over an open fire.

Here are some little-known snow facts that may fascinate you:

Snow contains not only water but is charged with ion particles that intermittently heighten sexual powers.

Snow that you manage to catch on your tongue is weaker, inferior snow, and can make you sick.

Snow fairies are all around us, but hard to see because they have white skin, hair, and lips.

It takes more alcohol to get intoxicated when it's snowing outside than it normally does, so drink accordingly.

White-outs are not really natural phenomena, but are events engineered by the military when they want to move around top-secret, heavy equipment..

The town of Bledsoe, Ohio hires someone to go around and count snow men so they can pad their population numbers.

If you give your dog apple cider vinegar and honey, his urine won't turn the snow yellow.

Here are some handy Tips for Winter:

Seinfeldian Tip : Heat a towel in your dryer and wear that around your neck instead of a scarf. Someone  actually did this and pointed it out to me, rather proudly.

Tip for Robbers: When there is snow on the ground, forego the customary black attire and wear all-white clothes instead. That way you'll blend in with your surroundings more easily. Lilah contributed this handy winter tip.

Tips for Consuming Chocolate: When the temperature drops below 32 degrees, chocolate calories begin to diminish, at the rate of five calories per degree. Below 20 degrees, this rate of decline accelerates, at a whopping 10 calories per degree. So a 150 calorie chocolate bar consumed at 30 degrees would be only 140 calories. Eat it at 19 degrees, and you save 70 calories!! If you hold out until the mercury drops to 11 degrees, you consume NO calories. The colder it gets, the sweeter the deal. When the temperature drops below ten, you can eat as much chocolate as you want. And if the temperature plunges to zero, it is imperative that you eat chocolate to safeguard your health and stave off illness.

Winterizing Tip For Petites: Buy an outdoorsy jacket at the big and tall men's shop. You can wear two or three coats underneath it, no fooling. You can wear your favorite couch throw, and no one will know. They'll shiver and chatter, as you say, "What's the matter?"

And now friends....More tips and Products for Winter:

Manufactured exclusively for you by the Friendly Persuasion Good Product Company,  these products will help sustain you during the bitter months ahead. "Let's Just Get Through This, Shall We?"
Sold for a limited time only, these items are not available in any store! 

Now here's a wintertime stay-warm tip, ladies. Pad your bra ----with booze!  

Yes, it looks like you just grew two cup sizes. Is it Mother Nature....or Jim Beam? Only Mamma-Flask knows!

 Sewn discreetly into a regular polyester and Spandex brassiere, the Mamma-Flask contains a sanitary and waterproof lining that stores up to 25 ounces of your favorite good-time beverage. That's equivalent to nearly a fifth of Scotch or a bottle of wine. Choose your poison --than drink it when no one's looking  through the handy accessory drinking straw. An advanced valve mechanism keeps the Mamma-Flask inflated with air even as it's emptied, preserving your exaggerated bust line. The party's never over til you say it is! But when it is, Mamma-Flask is a cinch to clean  --just throw it in the wash with your other unmentionables.

New this winter! Hats of Distraction! 

Beating the cold is all about distraction. That is why we're making available to you for the first time, our exclusive winter line of headgear, "Hats of Distraction."  Made with the same attention to quality as our "Hats of Distinction," our Hats of Distraction will stop traffic and start conversations, leaving you less mental energy to shiver. Plus, our one-of-a-kind styling features science behind the design. Based on the principle that heat rises, our Hats of Distraction boast special heat containment properties, actually helping to retain your body heat! .

Cozy as a train yard campfire  -  The Hobo Coat 

If yours is a lifestyle "on the move" nothing keeps you warmer than our trademark Hobo Coat. Patterned after the traditional storied garb of rail jumpers, drifters and other hapless "ho's", our Hobo Coat has the ill-fitting look of something you plucked out of the charity bin, and pockets so deep you could keep a small cook-stove on your person and forget it's there! Decorative fringe on sleeve and hem adds just enough class to set you apart from the riff-raff.

Winter's harsh realities:  Harrowing scenes like these are familiar to us all...

Seduced by the possibility of snow and some great time you think you're gonna have? Don't fall under the spell of dangerous seasonal fantasies! Our "Wintry Woes" snow globes depict winter as the shit storm it really is. No more Winter Wonderlands. Our globes feature scenes of fallen power lines, stranded motorists, wrecked cars, hypothermia victims, house fires and avalanches...right on your desktop. This is winter as you really know it! Sure to catch the eye, Wintry Woes snow globes are a great conversation piece.

Wintry Woes snow globe. Assorted scenes -selection shipped may vary.

Pants O' Plenty

 Concerned about the environment and the diversity of species? Fearing the long, dark, winter months ahead? Replace a lost habitat and your body heat at the same time when you play host to a family of field mice --right inside your pants! Our Pants O' Plenty supply constant warmth, generated naturally through the presence of hyperactive rodents. Special tubes hidden inside the pants provide a nurturing home for small critters, yet handily keep them out of sight. You never need see your "guests." Merely feed them through the holes provided inside the hip pockets.

Life-Like Weather Mask 

Remember how that Halloween mask made your face sweat as a kid? Wouldn't it be nice if you could just wear a mask of your own face when it's cold out? Send us a photo and we'll make a 3-D printed face mask out of polyurethane bearing a stunning likeness to your face! Wear your doppelganger whenever you need to be out and about. Your face stays warm and cozy while your "alter ego" takes the brunt of that raw, north wind. The Deluxe edition comes with a choice of speaking voices and standard phrases, sparing you the task of speaking as well.

Product Endorsement:

"I have used and benefited from all of these products. " -- Dorothea Greezbolte, Filament, New Jersey.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Saint Winifred.

All hail Saint Winifred! The patron saint of heaters, radiators, and furnace vents.

She worries that you haven't changed your filter. I kept a small figurine of Winifred next to our furnace but it melted.
I've been fighting consciousness all day. Finally, I win. I'm going off to bed now, to my recurring nightmare about wickless candles. 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

In the Night Grocery

I was going to go grocery shopping last night, but I couldn't find my purse. I looked everywhere. I drove to Hyvee, discovered I didn't have it, drove home. But it wasn't sitting on the table, hanging on a chair, it hadn't been left behind on my bed, liked I'd hoped. It was nowhere. I took a flashlight and searched the car. I took the flashlight and searched the dark, brown wood of the dining room floor. Maybe it had fallen. Because my purse is brown suede, it blends into other browns easily.

Just as I was slowly but surely losing my mind, I found it where I would never have thought to look: underneath a daughter. Annabelle had been sitting on it the whole time, only half-aware that something was there beneath her, or behind her on the chair.

I reclaimed my squashed suede purse and resumed my shopping trip. By this time it was late enough that my grocery store had begun the transformation it undergoes every night, becoming overrun by night shift workers and stock boys who block the aisles with big pallets and unpack cans and jars right under your nose. This Hyvee is open to shoppers for 24 hours, but once it hits ten o'clock or so, all the nice "smile in every aisle" business is over and customers are on their own, left to navigate a rugged terrain of boxes and dollies.

For awhile, I was nearly the only customer in the store, and it felt quite lonely to be the only one roaming such a harsh environment. But then as the hour ticked on, and the moon reached just the right spot overhead, a fresh wave of partiers and insomniacs and other creatures of the night entered the store and poured through the aisles. They stepped nonchalantly over the scattered piles of inventory as they filled their baskets with Campbells, crackers, whatever. They pushed their way through the cardboard canyons with an ease that suggested they were accustomed to shopping at this hour, amongst the stocking ghouls who hunkered over their boxes and turned the shelves inside out. I, on the other hand, found the feminine hygiene aisle impassable, and after a moment of peering into its shadows, hurried off before someone could ask me if they could get something for me. 

Link to Lilah's Choir Concert Starting at 7:00 pm Wednesday night

Link to live stream of Lilah's choir concert. Click the link below:

Monday, December 2, 2013

So that didn't work so well...

So much for NaNoWriMo. If you go to a victory party, don't look for me. I didn't even break 5,000. But few things are more boring than writers who aren't writing, talking about how they aren't writing. Yiich! So no more on this topic from me. Don't look now, but it's December. Today I ate my first Christmas cookie of the season. May it be the last. I will not let happen this year what happened last year. Today I drove for many, many miles and many hours. When it was over my nerves were shot. I found I needed to enter a space where I was cut off from all stimulation. I created a decompression chamber for myself. I wrapped myself in a thick robe, and put myself in a room alone, where I shut off all light, except that from a small lamp, and put a blanket over my head. I lay like that, not sleeping, for a long time. The other day after much socializing I felt an urge to put my soft knit cap on my head. I was indoors, but the hat felt comforting and snug, and i kept it on for the rest of the evening. This might become my thing this winter. Maybe this will be the year of my growing eccentricity, the year they'll look back on as the time when I started wearing that damn hat everywhere I went.