Monday, January 27, 2014

Here comes another polar vortex!

It's like you can hear it come in. All of a sudden this terrific wind blows in from out of nowhere, and you can practically feel the mercury plummeting, even if you are inside a warm, cozy house. This is like the third one to visit us this month. Not a welcome trend!

Looking at the  map helps me understand how all these bitter drafts are making their way down here, and who's to blame. Canada!! The Great White North isn't doing its job. Canada is supposed to act as a buffer between us and those scary Arctic weather systems. In exchange, Canada gets to make fun of our reality shows and our two-party political process. But Canada has been sitting on its big, provincial ass, leaving the door open and letting all the cold air in. Thanks for nothing, Canada.

As a result, I am bracing myself for the third Polar Vortex in as many weeks, and am in danger of behaving in erratic ways. If you too are bearing the brunt of these storms, you will recognize yourself as prone to doing the following:      

Ceasing to bathe, fearing the removal of protective oils and built-up soils from your skin, which you regard as another layer of clothing.

Exploring ways to turn your hot water bottle into a hot new fashion accessory.

Inviting in stray animals, hoping to sleep with them.

Toting a week's worth of calorie-dense foods inside your coat pockets.

Driving around all day in your car because you can't bring yourself to park, turn off the heater, and walk across the lot into the building where you work.

Naming, and then developing a close, personal relationship with your long underwear.

Adding whiskey to your morning latte.


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

It's 2014!

Wow, we're a week into the new year already and I have yet to acknowledge it on my blog. Sorry, 2014! Don't take it personally. You're every bit as special as those other years I made a bigger deal about.

 But you're cold as all get-out! -- so today we are featuring another Hat of Distraction, to buy and wear. The sheer act of trying to balance this thing will get your mind off the cold.  

Other thoughts about the new year:

I've written two checks already with 2014 on the date line.

When my oldest daughter was in grade school, they were told they were the "class of 2015", meaning they would graduate high school in 2015, which seemed SO far away. And suddenly now -it's not!

The planet is now safely two years beyond the doomsday year of 2012 and the end of the Mayan calendar.

There are some comets or asteroids or something that are scheduled to pass by this year. I'm sure there must be something, anyway. If you care to look it up.

This is the only year we have left before another dreaded "election year".

This is a very poetic year. You can rhyme fourteen with "courting", "sporting", "thwarting", "purporting"...

It is the 100 year anniversary of the cheese log.

There are people --we haven't met yet---who will be born this year!

My prediction for 2014:  Startling changes in consumer packaging! This will be the year (at last) of the cereal tube.  

My wish for 2014: An end to the helium shortage.