Sunday, January 15, 2017

A Gnarly Mess of Spent Pods...

...Is what you're left with when you make a big pot of masala chai.

But it's well worth it. An aromatic cup of spicy, milky chai tea is the thing to drink when the weather's crappy and you're stuck home all day.  

How do you arrive at the perfect cup of chai? Well, I don't like to boast but I've got homemade chai down to a science. And I'm happy to share my process with you:

It's easy! Just...

Measure out 5 cups of water and start heating it.
Cut up an ass-ton of ginger into small bits and throw it in the water.
Add about 20 whole cloves.
Measure out a couple of teaspoons of ground cinnamon, and sprinkle in some nutmeg.
Pour a couple of handfuls of green cardamom pods onto cutting board and attempt to crush with the bottom of a drinking glass. Note that they aren't getting very crushed.
Look for the meat tenderizer to use instead. After searching utensil drawer, look in auxiliary kitchen drawer.
Note that meat tenderizer is oddly missing. Who took it and where could they have taken it?
It was a big hammer-like tool and is not something that could be easily overlooked.  
Continue attempting to crush pods with the bottom of a glass.
Look for the mortar and pestle. Didn't we use to have one once?
Give up and add partially crushed pods to water.
Grind pepper over the pot. Realize the pepper is being ground up too fine.
Get out whole peppercorns and put them on the cutting board and attempt to smash up somewhat with the bottom of the drinking glass. Add peppercorns to water.
Boil together for a couple of minutes.
Lower the heat. Actually, just turn it off.
Add tea bags---has to be strong black tea. Oops --why are you adding the kind with strings and paper tags? The paper will dissolve in the water. Fish out the bags. Replace with tag-less bags. There, that's better.
Cover the pot and steep the bags.
Add 4 cups of milk. Turn up heat until mixture is nice and hot.
Taste. Meh. Too bland. Add more cinnamon and pepper.
Don't add more cloves because you did that last time and the tea tasted like furniture polish.
Uh-oh. Mixture looking too dark. Add more milk.
Taste. Now too weak.
Throw in a couple more tea bags. Grab a random spice and sprinkle more in.
Taste again. Now too strong! More milk!
Repeat previous 5 steps!
Finally, strain the mixture into another pot.
Add sugar. Taste. Needs more.
Add sugar. Taste. Needs  more.
Add sugar. Taste. More.
Taste. Ahh...that's IT!  

At last, the payoff.....

See? That's all there is to it!



  1. :) I love it! "Lower the heat. Actually, just turn it off" made me guffaw. This is my kind of recipe! Glad you figured it out!

  2. Yeah, it really did turn out well. Yumptious! But a pain in the ass to make!