Friday, January 13, 2012

Snow: Precautions and Little-Known Facts

When a winter storm comes, do exactly as the weatherman tells you. Heed all warnings. And take the following precautions:

Eat more. You never know when you might get caught in a drift, and have to live off your own body fat.

 Snow attracts wild animals. Leave scraps of fresh meat in the middle of the street to keep the roving packs from your door.

 No sleeping outside. Snow looks so nice and soft, but it's a silent killer. Resist all urges to cleave to its frosty bosom.

 Snow on the ground makes the air colder. This increases your risk of hypothermia, which can strike without warning. Therefore, be a moving target. Run, don't walk, to and from your car. If someone you know shouts hello and tries to engage you, toss them a hasty wave and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

 Avoid shoveling, constructing forts, and building snow beings. You might tire and be overcome with a powerful urge to lie down in the snow. See point no. 4.

 Dress to be seen. If you must be outside and on foot for any considerable distance--walking around retail parking lots, etc. -- wear fluorescent colors at all times.

 Be sensible. When discussing the weather with others, stay within cultural norms. Kate Bush notwithstanding, "shnamistoflopp'n" , "creaky-creaky" and "phlegm de neige" are not words for snow. *

If you get caught outside in severe weather, remember that squirrels are your allies and a valuable resource. Especially when cooked over an open fire.

Here are some little-known snow facts that may fascinate you:

Snow contains not only water but is charged with ion particles that intermittently heighten sexual powers.

Snow that you manage to catch on your tongue is weaker, inferior snow, and can make you sick.

Snow fairies are all around us, but hard to see because they have white skin, hair, and lips.

It takes more alcohol to get intoxicated when it's snowing outside than it normally does, so drink accordingly.

White-outs are not really natural phenomena, but are events engineered by the military when they want to move around top-secret, heavy equipment..

The town of Bledsoe, Ohio hires someone to go around and count snow men so they can pad their population numbers.

If you give your dog apple cider vinegar and honey, his urine won't turn the snow yellow.

*These are three of Kate Bush's words from her recently released cd, "50 Words for Snow." 


  1. "If you give your dog apple cider vinegar and honey, his urine won't turn the snow yellow."

    ...which, of course, makes it a real crap shoot if you want to go around eating snow.

    H.(prefers the yellow "heads up")B.

  2. I admit H.B., I see the yellow snow coloration as a public service. But I swear, I read this handy tip in a Vermont book on folk medicine!