Monday, January 27, 2014

Here comes another polar vortex!

It's like you can hear it come in. All of a sudden this terrific wind blows in from out of nowhere, and you can practically feel the mercury plummeting, even if you are inside a warm, cozy house. This is like the third one to visit us this month. Not a welcome trend!

Looking at the  map helps me understand how all these bitter drafts are making their way down here, and who's to blame. Canada!! The Great White North isn't doing its job. Canada is supposed to act as a buffer between us and those scary Arctic weather systems. In exchange, Canada gets to make fun of our reality shows and our two-party political process. But Canada has been sitting on its big, provincial ass, leaving the door open and letting all the cold air in. Thanks for nothing, Canada.

As a result, I am bracing myself for the third Polar Vortex in as many weeks, and am in danger of behaving in erratic ways. If you too are bearing the brunt of these storms, you will recognize yourself as prone to doing the following:      

Ceasing to bathe, fearing the removal of protective oils and built-up soils from your skin, which you regard as another layer of clothing.

Exploring ways to turn your hot water bottle into a hot new fashion accessory.

Inviting in stray animals, hoping to sleep with them.

Toting a week's worth of calorie-dense foods inside your coat pockets.

Driving around all day in your car because you can't bring yourself to park, turn off the heater, and walk across the lot into the building where you work.

Naming, and then developing a close, personal relationship with your long underwear.

Adding whiskey to your morning latte.



  1. Unfortunately, where I live, I can't blame the cold on Canada. They blame it on me.
    The tricky little question we seem to like to ask people:
    If you head straight south from New Baltimore, what is the first foreign country you come to?

  2. it's almost too cold to type. but your humorous post warmed me. back to my blanket now.